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Unduku, a legal advocate championing female empowerment, exhorts women to claim their rightful place and refuse compromise. Ironically, this champion of female agency found himself mired in the frustrating quagmire of online dating. His hopes were repeatedly dashed. His anxiety persisted. How many Western women would misinterpret his romantic overtures? Or reduce them to mere physical desire? His idealized courtship roadmap is a coffee date, a cultural outing at a zoo or museum, and then Netflix and impregnate at his comfortable bachelor’s pad. All three of these dates often play out disastrously. Mildred, a solid four on a scale of ten but with a busy frame and a naive agreeability. Responding to his impersonal outreach on the internet, he unceremoniously discarded her despite her immediate physical intimacy.
Unduku’s mass internet message yielded a response from Gertrude, the second to bite. He’d cast a wide net, aiming for a stunning seven. But Mildred’s conquest led to Gertrude, a catch, albeit a six on his subjective scale. A little fuller-figured, yes, but her eyes held a sultry allure, and her substantial bosom was undeniably striking. They forwent caffeine for a rendezvous at the local greasy spoon. He found himself not only with Gertrude but also with her unexpected plus-one (a pleasant five with an engaging grin). Nevertheless, Gertrude’s desire for physical closeness proved irresistible. Even Agnes, her chaperone, was swept into Unduku’s love nest of streaming and intimacy under a torrential downpour. Weeks later, when Unduku contacted Agnes, searching for Gertrude’s whereabouts, she arrived, completing the night’s incomplete narrative.
By the time Sarah (a fit and stunning seven with a slight touch of cheater phobia) entered the picture, Unduku was besieged by the relentless pursuit of his previous dates. Their infatuation had curdled into an obsessive fixation. Mildred texts incessantly, Gertrude makes panic calls, and Agnes wants to know if the coast is clear for another stealth landing. How many simps will beg for Sarah’s time and attention? Sarah was able to avoid the bottle girl to stripper pipeline, but now that she finally wants to choose the right man to marry her, the men treat her poorly. She does not want to sleep around, but she’s been on 30 first dates in the last two months. Will she stick around while Unduku clears out his stable? She does not know it, but if she behaves anything close to Mildred or Gertrude, Unduku will surely marry her.
Unduku possessed every desirable quality a partner could seek. He’d honed his skills, proactively pursuing connections online, thus sidestepping involuntary solitude. Their courtship would have ignited with immediate, incandescent passion if he had encountered Sarah initially. Their digital flirtation would have been a whirlwind of romantic pronouncements from him, met with playful but sexii images from her. A first rendezvous at a bistro would have set the stage. A week of intense virtual adoration would climax in a museum visit, arm in arm, as they explored ancient artifacts punctuated by their overt displays of affection. By the third week, Sarah would have eagerly sought comfort in Unduku’s cozy loft, their intimacy leading to commitment. A subsequent overnight stay would have paved the way to matrimony. Fate, however, intervened. Unduku’s paths crossed with Mildred and Gertrude during Sarah’s string of thirty unsuccessful first dates.
